Saturday, December 22, 2012


Holidays are fun in the sun. In the snow, water, wherever. Holidays are usually a time when you have an excuse not to do anything, you sit around, scratch your big hairy nuts, drink hot chocolate and give work the finger.  But it never ends up being like that, sure you'll scratch your nuts, cant miss that, but you never just end up doing nothing, instead there's always an endless amount of shit you have to do.  I remember all my holiday get togethers.  First you have to prepare yourself mentally for the Tsunami of family that is going to come thrashing through your house, stripping you of your privacy, self esteem, and any other comfort you may have been stashing in your secret spot.  But tis the season, so you have to remind yourself that all this shit is in good fortune.  After they arrive and you accept it, you actually have to put up with it, they start asking you questions about school(even though you graduated 2 years ago), then they'll hit you with some more generic questions, do you have a girlfriend? so you answer, yes I do, and I fuck her a lot.  That's what you want to say, but you know they cant handle that response nor do you want to tell them anything truthful, I mean, these people don't want to hear the truth, they want to hear the same generic shit they asked you so that they don't have to engage in honest, meaningful conversation with you.  You see, life, and holidays in particular, are a time of endless formalities. "Hi how are you"(not that you give a fuck), Hi how's school(not that you give a fuck), Hi, hows your girlfriend(I never told you shit about a girlfriend, but not that you give a fuck), Hi, so what're you doing these days(not that you give a fuck about my well being, just want to hear my struggles), Hi, hows................By this point you just want to stick their head into cauldron of boiling tea.  At this point, you find yourself talking less, and then these vultures come back for seconds, "Hi, so quite, are you not feeling well, why don't you come join....."  Come join, come join what? Some more bullshit conversation about someone's son who just got into medical school, or someone's daughter who just got divorced, or how someone's mother in law got breast implants at age 60 and as she was walking down the stairs she tripped and fell onto a nail and one of her tits popped on impact.....well maybe not the last one, I would've gone over for that one.  Can someone pour me a scotch on the rocks? 3 ice cubes, and use filtered water please. That's the worst, when you realize your ice cube has a piece of food in the middle of it, and its just dissolving in your drink, releasing its shitty flavor as you race against time trying finish it before your scotch ends up being chicken broth. Cheers to that.  What was my point of this, well, there is no ONE point, can't I just say some shit without there having to be a defined purpose, that was a rhetorical question so it doesn't matter what your answer was. Anyways people my point was, get as hammered as you can when you're around family, the conversations will all start making sense.  In fact, roofie the entire family and just see how cool and supportive everyone gets.  The holiday spirit will just pour out of them, they'll either piss, shit or puke it out but hey, at least it'll come out.  I leave you at that my friends.  Well Happy Holidays you filthy animals, and a happy new year.

Your one and only Friend,


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