Monday, February 17, 2014

Pressure+Time =..............

What to write, what to write, I'm writing even though I don't feel like writing. Lets see what comes out when one is pressed for content.  Its interesting what happens when someone pressures you to complete something or have something done in a tight window of time. That's probably how the space ship was created, the government probably just decided one day that they wanted to go to space and then thought "lets see if we can pressure the hell out of some scientists and engineers to see how close they'll come, I mean its never going to work but lets see what they do".  Well low and behold, the pressure was on and with that pressure came combustion and with combustion came rockets and with rockets came astronauts, a word that didn't exist. They had to create a space shuttle and a word to call the people traveling in them, they could've just called them space men or space walkers but no, they had that pressure cooker going so that's what they came up with. 

Another example of innovation due to pressure is the dildo.  The dildo actually started out as a rolling pin for kids to use as a safer option. During the 1950's, cooking sets were becoming extremely popular so companies started pumping out culinary toys for kids, the rubber rolling pin being one of them.  It was great for both the kids and the parents except for one thing, the more the kids played in the kitchen, the busier mommy was with the children, leaving daddy coming home tired, hungry and horny.  Well the more this went on, the more tired, hungry and horny daddy became, he grew more and more agitated, coming home tired, horny and unable to eat any of the "play food" his wife and kids hd been making all day.  Well one day he reached his limit and his pressure cap popped off, he stormed into the kitchen, grabbed the rubber rolling pin and stuck it up mommy's ass.  She let out a frightening shreek immediately followed by a long, over due moan.  The more she moaned, the more daddy repeatedly stuck it in.  Pretty soon, everyone in the neighborhood was doing this, you could hear moans for miles.  Daddy then decided he was on to something and could see some dollar signs.  He started thinking of names for the product, rubber rolling pin didn't sound very exciting.  He began the naming process, the rubber wonder, no, the rubber dubber doooo(in honor of the flint stones) but that wasn't gonna work either, the moaner, no, the moaner boner, Ahh yes, that sounds great, well, there's gotta be something better, by this time people were calling from all over town asking what this "thing" was called, daddy felt the pressure, he wanted to make his mark with his invention, the calls were growing in volume until they stopped, there was a knock at the door, then two, then three, then four and kept going ON and ON and ON, the kids were crying, mommy was moaning(she realized she didn't need daddy anymore and began self pleasuring), the pressure was unbearable, daddy ran to the door and yelled at the top of his lungs, "It's a bbb, dahlh DILDO!!!!!" All the neighbors gasped in relief, looked at one another in confusion and began returning to their homes.  From that day on, the Dildo was selling like mad, it was selling off the shelves.  Daddy quite his job at the factory and could now join mommy and the kids in the kitchen, each with a dildo in one hand and a ball of dough in the other. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Laws of Love

I'm nearing the 3 year mark on my relationship with my lovely girlfriend Sona.  She and I have had a good run up until now, I can say without a doubt that it has truly been a great experience and hasn't felt like work one bit. Of course we've had our moments of bickering, I'm a complex man and she's quite a complex little woman.

I want to go over the key things that have made our short but sweet relationship last thus far.


  1. Respect- Although I'm 2 years older than her, I have a lot of respect for her.  I didn't always, I was pretty overbearing, overwhelming, and whatever else starts with "over". Early on, she didn't have strong enough opinions or views on certain subjects, so how the hell was I supposed to respect someone like that?  I pride myself on my opinions and views regardless whether they're right or wrong, they're my god damn views, which I've formed over months and years of careful thought.  Over time, she began forming her own views and sticking with her opinions and she forced me to see it her way, which then forced me to respect her without knowing. You can only respect someone you can confide in, weak minded people don't fit that criteria. I don't waste my time with people like that, so I sure as hell wasn't going to date someone like that.  Now she and I have a mutual respect for one another, I respect her for standing behind her principles and views, and because of that I'm sure she naturally respects me even more.
  2. Communication- Distance has forced us to be better communicators, but I knew the importance of it long before we were apart.  After growing up in a family where my mother wasn't the best at communicating, she was a great mother but not the best communicator, I was informed by close friends of mine how uncertain and wishy washy I could be at times.  After realizing that I immediately thought, "ok fuck that, I'm definitely not carrying that trait down", I felt like an absolute bitch for being that way, after all, a man is supposed to bring a sense of certainty and integrity to the room, none a that "I'm not sure" bullshit. So going forward, from there on out I was always sure to be very clear and transparent in all my interactions and conversations with people. I began explaining the reasoning behind my actions so that no one could misinterpret my motives or reasons for doing or saying a particular thing. I would basically call myself out on most things I did that brought up any hint of question. For instance, "hey when I said THAT I didn't mean to sound like I was annoyed, or hey I know my tone was a bit stern but its cus I was tired, I wasn't mad". So when Sona and I got together, I carried this over and it has definitely taken care of any confusion, frustration, built up anger or whatever else women feel.  You wonder what pushes a woman to cut off her husbands dick in the middle of the night, its miscommunication.
  3. Learn- One of my favorite aspects of our relationship is that we're constantly trying to out learn one another and share our knowledge with each other.  We're a constant powerhouse of progression, mentally and physically. Because of this, we grow together at a mutual rate. You always hear about people's relationships falling apart because of things like "I'm in a different place in my life", or "we didn't really connect any more".  To me that's due to a lack of effort in finding ways to learn from one another.  When you share knowledge, you BOTH gain something and can participate.  Its like going out to eat with a friend at a really good pizza joint, you'll always SHARE that experience and be able to talk about it, same goes for knowledge, except it has a greater residual effect. Over time all the knowledge you keep sharing turns into a giant library that you have both built and coauthored. Now you reach a point where you're soo in tune with one another's psyche that you want to continue building on.
  4. Laughter- With me and Sona, pretty much everything is a joke.  When we're mad at each other,  when we're in bed(sexually and non sexually), when we're eating,  when we're talking, when we're in the car, when she's crying, when we're sad, we're usually laughing at something or the other. I was fortunate enough to find someone who shares the same sense of laughter that I have because its amazing to find the one person you love that doesn't say "Ok, not everything is funny" YES IT IS.  There is always something funny if you apply the situation to another setting.  I enjoy being in her company because I know we're going to laugh together, EVERY TIME, its a money back guarantee.  She knows it, and I know it.  Who wouldn't want to go somewhere where they were guaranteed to laugh every time? 
  5. Support- We have unconditional support for one another.  I will never stop having faith in her as long as we're together and even if we're not. For me, its important to show support and supply solutions to problems.  That's the key to constructive support, support with substance, not just "keep trying your best" but giving actual advice and problem solving support. I'm in a challenging path but she never makes me feel little or that I'm just another sperm in the tube trying to penetrate that giant egg.  She always gives me that pump I need and provides the right words in order to help me along.  I try and do the same, when she's feeling overwhelmed or challenged, we break it down and talk about it without all the distractions and pressures of what it means.  We have the best intentions for one another and we're ultra aware of that, and that has to be taken into full consideration when support is given. Its easy to just hand out support and advice, but when you truly want to support someone, there's a lot of effort and care that goes into your words.
And that's what keeps us together.  uh uh......a bee a bee thats all folks.



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Sorry can you repeat that please

There's something about becoming a better writer that fascinates me, it goes back to all the comedians I respect and their ability to write content.  When you're a good writer, its amazing seeing the words you've written flow out on paper just as they were in your head.  Its so easy to spot shitty writing because it looks and sounds like it was written by someone listing off their credentials in a job interview.  Writing is so simple yet so complicated because while trying to simplify it, we complicate it.  For instance, the natural urge is to sound intelligent rather than being clear, so while trying to sound intelligent, the clarity is often lost.  I've been in a number of conversations where I just want to tell the person, "just shut the fuck up, gather up your thoughts and speak".  If you're talking about walking your dog, I don't need to hear the word juxtapose. I'm better off talking to an immigrant who speaks broken english, at least they can be understood. Isn't that funny? We spend years educating ourselves, going to the best schools we can, preparing ourselves for the future, and at the end of it we cant even ask someone for directions without confusing the fuck out of them. Whats going on here?

Speaking of "words", there are some "words" that need to be retired. Here's two that come to mind

1. Awkward- Cant stand hearing this word anymore because its applied to EVERYTHING. "Oh my god that's so awkward, you're so awkward, he's so awkward, she's so awkward, this sandwich is so awkward, my toes are so awkward, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

2. To be Honest- Now I realize that's a phrase, but it needs to be ridden of.  Its always used with the most mundane situations. Whats the obsession with saying that, "To be honest, I love cookies, to be honest I feel really full, to be honest I ate 3........., to be honest I didn't really talk to her much. To be honest, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

My perspective is always "what the..." or "why the..." I think the world would be a better place if we didn't always have our noses up webster's ass so much.  Everything in moderation, so stop trying to sound like a godamn genius all the time, I just wanna know how to get onto the freeway




Friday, January 3, 2014

And a Happy New Year........Ya Filthy Animals

Happy New Year, years? Always been confused about that. At the moment, we're getting ready for some cock.....tails.  I'm making some simple syrup, for those of you who don't know, simple syrup is made by boiling water and sugar until it becomes thick and cummy, tastes great.  I started writing this on New Years eve which is why its in past tense.  I had a great new years eve this year, we spent it at home, with family, friends, food and alcohol, what better company........I prefer being able to pass out on a fluffy couch instead of a bathroom stall in some shitty club.  Those fixed price new years parties are the worst, you pay through the ass, look around for parking that costs as much as your mortgage, wait in line with a bunch of faggots, then when you finally get in you just wanna get hammered but have to make your way through the stampede of people in order to get to the bar. Then you walk around for a few hours with an erection listening to shitty music.  Some people think thats fun, not I.

I've enjoyed my time with my family, playing with my nephews and nieces, hanging out with my cousins, my mom and my sister, its been a gay ol time.  I'm not really in the mood to write at the moment but I'm forcing my mind to do it anyway.  One of the things I plan on changing this year is to force myself to do certain tasks so they become automatic without thinking, regardless of how I feel "that day or moment".  Its the only way to advance.  The majority of the things we do without thinking are paying bills and going to work, everything else is up to our mood, energy level and whatever else bullshit you can think up.  We have zero discipline when it comes to US and promises we should make to OURSELVES instead of others.  For instance, we'll show up at 5am or maybe 4am to workout out with a trainer but when it comes to US we'll skip or make an excuse.  We lack the discipline to fulfill promises to ourselves and its an extremely shitty trait we carry.  This is the year, at least for me, to rid myself of this poison that has manifested my soul and prevented me from achieving the success I strive for. Imagine how much progress you can make by keeping the promises you make to yourself instead of others....You could go from fat to fit, poor to rich, illiterate to literate, black to white(sadly thats possible), man to woman, whatever the hell you want. If you simply answer to yourself, be your own boss, your own trainer, whatever.  I just cant stand another day of waking up at 6am for someone else and not for myself.  Lets set our alarms for 630am and no snoozing, ok maybe one snooze but thats it. New Year, New attitude.

Happy New Year Ya Filthy Animals
(home alone reference for those you who grew up in Africa)

Your one and only,

Yuvi