Saturday, September 28, 2013

Do you Juice?

Do you juice? I love kale, can I have some extra pine nuts in mine please, Bee pollen, Kongen water, Almond milk, I've been cleansing, My shit is clear, I hate splenda, I love fro-yo, Low glycemic, gluten free, cage free, organic, free range, grass fed, coconut oil, RAW, seaweed.....

 JUICING!!!!! I've been Juicing, cleansing, detoxing... What the hells this sudden urge to cleanse and detox.  Who the hell decided that this was necessary and regular eating methods just weren't cutting it? Was this person's body so toxic and polluted that they just needed instant absorption, chewing the broccoli was just too time consuming so fuck it, I'll drink it, as a matter of fact, I'll drink everything.  And then others caught on and decided, yea fuck chewing, its all about slurping. We've all gone back to an infant state. Babies and grown ups are eating the same shit, except babies get there's in fancy premade containers while we're stuck making our own. Blended TV dinners? Tired of slogging for hours in the kitchen while your baby eats in peace? Now you can tighten up the bond time with "Blender bites", share a meal with your baby. Who needs teeth anymore, we lose and grow teeth for what? Each tooth has a purpose, molars are for grinding, canines are for cutting, but now, who needs them.  Now teeth are simply an accessory, they're obsolete, as long as they're white, who gives a shit. Floss, tooth picks and mouth wash have no purpose, no one's getting anything stuck in their teeth, liquified steak and potatoes doesn't really get stuck anywhere except your colon. Pretty soon people are going to be telling their favorite chewing stories, "I remember the good old days when we would chew our food 32 times", " hahah, thats hilarious grandpa", "You kids have it easy now".

Food is fuckin weird these days, more people like Kale and Seaweed than they do Ice Cream. And when sushi hit the seen, EVERYONE LOVED IT. Who the fuck likes raw fish THAT much? When did eel gain mass appeal, did the Japanese stick probes up our asses and rewire our taste buds? Everything now days is Organic, free range, grass fed, Cage free, gluten free, low glycemic.... low glycemic? when the fuck did low glycemic become part of everyday vernacular? This is a low glycemic sweeter so we're just gonnna give it 20-30 squirts, its ok cus its low glycemic so your limbs wont fall off right away.  Pretty soon its gonna be, "Hey can I get a glass of water man"? "Sure, our water is 100% cage free organic and is served in a cup made of recycled hair".  Nevermind, think I'll get a Big Gulp. We're getting carried away with all this FREE RANGE, CAGE FREE, GRASS FED talk, its not a god damn paradise, these animals are still being killed for consumption, WHICH IS FINE, ITS OK, but don't make it sound like they get a fuckin spa treatment. Its gotten to the point where discussing your diet is a "THING", you hear fuckers at Starbucks chatting about going green, and 2 day cleanses, eating RAW, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Whats society come to? I'm rebelling against something that isn't rebellion worthy but I have to.  If I hear another person talking about Kale, I'm gonna throw their balls in a juicer and serve them on ice. I cant even talk about things I want anymore without being categorized as one of these juicing faggots. Its like I have to go to some secret meet up and whisper it, "Yo I made a kale, apple, blueberry.....oh shit you hear that, THEY FOUND US"!!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Pussy and Guns

Pussy and Guns is a fun title, I might talk about Pussy, I might talk about guns, or I might not talk about either.  Pussy and Guns never get old, they've been around for soooo long and people get really riled up over both.  We protect the pussy with laws, thats such an odd thing, same goes for guns but thats a bit more understandable I guess, guns can kill, but so can pussy.  Not everyone deserves a pussy, some people should simply be denied one, like a credit card.  You can do a lot of damage with a pussy; give people aids and all sorts of fucked up diseases, birth defects, heart aches, loss of self esteem, make a nigga broke, fuck up a family, blue balls....it goes on.  NOW, if given to the right person, pussy can make a nigga a lot of money, bring a family together(You got yo self some good pussy right there) everyone will be raving about it, like a good meal, all sickness will be cured because that's what good pussy does, your kids will come out BEAUTIFUL, like seeing your car come out the wash after they put a few layers of turtle wax on that bitch.

Guns, guns have saved a lot of lives, and they've taken a lot as well.  In the right hands, guns are great, they can bring Independence, good meals, blankets, shoes, socks, belts, boots and more. I wouldn't have half the shit I have if it weren't for guns, I wouldn't have grown up they way I did, I might have been a ricksha driver in Delhi for all I know. Like it or not, guns have won a lot of battles that have given us a lot of good shit. For example, without guns we wouldn't have hicks, and without hicks,  we would have to do a lot of shitty things, like loose teeth, get knocked up at rodeo after parties, and fight wars. And without guns we wouldn't have shows like Duck Dynasty which are absolutely retarded but amazing. Don't you realize how great guns are now?!!! Don't you see, guns just make these peoples' lives worthwhile, because without them, they'd be absolutely lost, and they'd just start fucking up societies natural rhythm.  What would they do?  You see, now that they have their true calling, they're out of our hair, SO PLEASE, PLEASE don't take away their guns, cus the last thing we want is to be surrounded with people in camouflage gear and missing teeth, taking our temperature, giving us prescriptions, performing surgery, baby sitting our kids, giving us oral surgery, representing us in court, or sleeping with our wives.      

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Start Up Companies

I'm tired of hearing about Start Up Companies, every godamn person you talk is starting one and I never know what its about, "oh well we help people connect by connecting the connection so the connectivity.........WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO? I don't even think they know, they just wanna jump into this giant pool of innovation without knowing what the fuck they have to offer.  I've got one to, its called geni-tal, what WE do is we help people connect to their genitals by connecting their hands to their lower region creating a connection. Holy shit isn't this great?! Well join us at our seminar this Wednesday evening, yea I think I'll just go do my own connecting, just me, my laptop and my right hand.

When you talk to these bastards, each one thinks he or she's the next Steve or Stephanie Jobs. Now thats not a bad thing, but when your product is scented paperclips,  just save everyone some time and stay the hell home, we don't need to dry clean our clothes, drive out to some shitty convention center, eat shitty hors d'oeuvres, and then listen to your shittier spiel. I get it, everyone's licking lolly pops and now you want one too.