Saturday, September 28, 2013

Do you Juice?

Do you juice? I love kale, can I have some extra pine nuts in mine please, Bee pollen, Kongen water, Almond milk, I've been cleansing, My shit is clear, I hate splenda, I love fro-yo, Low glycemic, gluten free, cage free, organic, free range, grass fed, coconut oil, RAW, seaweed.....

 JUICING!!!!! I've been Juicing, cleansing, detoxing... What the hells this sudden urge to cleanse and detox.  Who the hell decided that this was necessary and regular eating methods just weren't cutting it? Was this person's body so toxic and polluted that they just needed instant absorption, chewing the broccoli was just too time consuming so fuck it, I'll drink it, as a matter of fact, I'll drink everything.  And then others caught on and decided, yea fuck chewing, its all about slurping. We've all gone back to an infant state. Babies and grown ups are eating the same shit, except babies get there's in fancy premade containers while we're stuck making our own. Blended TV dinners? Tired of slogging for hours in the kitchen while your baby eats in peace? Now you can tighten up the bond time with "Blender bites", share a meal with your baby. Who needs teeth anymore, we lose and grow teeth for what? Each tooth has a purpose, molars are for grinding, canines are for cutting, but now, who needs them.  Now teeth are simply an accessory, they're obsolete, as long as they're white, who gives a shit. Floss, tooth picks and mouth wash have no purpose, no one's getting anything stuck in their teeth, liquified steak and potatoes doesn't really get stuck anywhere except your colon. Pretty soon people are going to be telling their favorite chewing stories, "I remember the good old days when we would chew our food 32 times", " hahah, thats hilarious grandpa", "You kids have it easy now".

Food is fuckin weird these days, more people like Kale and Seaweed than they do Ice Cream. And when sushi hit the seen, EVERYONE LOVED IT. Who the fuck likes raw fish THAT much? When did eel gain mass appeal, did the Japanese stick probes up our asses and rewire our taste buds? Everything now days is Organic, free range, grass fed, Cage free, gluten free, low glycemic.... low glycemic? when the fuck did low glycemic become part of everyday vernacular? This is a low glycemic sweeter so we're just gonnna give it 20-30 squirts, its ok cus its low glycemic so your limbs wont fall off right away.  Pretty soon its gonna be, "Hey can I get a glass of water man"? "Sure, our water is 100% cage free organic and is served in a cup made of recycled hair".  Nevermind, think I'll get a Big Gulp. We're getting carried away with all this FREE RANGE, CAGE FREE, GRASS FED talk, its not a god damn paradise, these animals are still being killed for consumption, WHICH IS FINE, ITS OK, but don't make it sound like they get a fuckin spa treatment. Its gotten to the point where discussing your diet is a "THING", you hear fuckers at Starbucks chatting about going green, and 2 day cleanses, eating RAW, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Whats society come to? I'm rebelling against something that isn't rebellion worthy but I have to.  If I hear another person talking about Kale, I'm gonna throw their balls in a juicer and serve them on ice. I cant even talk about things I want anymore without being categorized as one of these juicing faggots. Its like I have to go to some secret meet up and whisper it, "Yo I made a kale, apple, blueberry.....oh shit you hear that, THEY FOUND US"!!

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