Sorry can you repeat that please

There's something about becoming a better writer that fascinates me, it goes back to all the comedians I respect and their ability to write content.  When you're a good writer, its amazing seeing the words you've written flow out on paper just as they were in your head.  Its so easy to spot shitty writing because it looks and sounds like it was written by someone listing off their credentials in a job interview.  Writing is so simple yet so complicated because while trying to simplify it, we complicate it.  For instance, the natural urge is to sound intelligent rather than being clear, so while trying to sound intelligent, the clarity is often lost.  I've been in a number of conversations where I just want to tell the person, "just shut the fuck up, gather up your thoughts and speak".  If you're talking about walking your dog, I don't need to hear the word juxtapose. I'm better off talking to an immigrant who speaks broken english, at least they can be understood. Isn't that funny? We spend years educating ourselves, going to the best schools we can, preparing ourselves for the future, and at the end of it we cant even ask someone for directions without confusing the fuck out of them. Whats going on here?

Speaking of "words", there are some "words" that need to be retired. Here's two that come to mind

1. Awkward- Cant stand hearing this word anymore because its applied to EVERYTHING. "Oh my god that's so awkward, you're so awkward, he's so awkward, she's so awkward, this sandwich is so awkward, my toes are so awkward, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

2. To be Honest- Now I realize that's a phrase, but it needs to be ridden of.  Its always used with the most mundane situations. Whats the obsession with saying that, "To be honest, I love cookies, to be honest I feel really full, to be honest I ate 3........., to be honest I didn't really talk to her much. To be honest, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

My perspective is always "what the..." or "why the..." I think the world would be a better place if we didn't always have our noses up webster's ass so much.  Everything in moderation, so stop trying to sound like a godamn genius all the time, I just wanna know how to get onto the freeway

And a Happy New Year........Ya Filthy Animals

Happy New Year, years? Always been confused about that. At the moment, we're getting ready for some cock.....tails.  I'm making some simple syrup, for those of you who don't know, simple syrup is made by boiling water and sugar until it becomes thick and cummy, tastes great.  I started writing this on New Years eve which is why its in past tense.  I had a great new years eve this year, we spent it at home, with family, friends, food and alcohol, what better company........I prefer being able to pass out on a fluffy couch instead of a bathroom stall in some shitty club.  Those fixed price new years parties are the worst, you pay through the ass, look around for parking that costs as much as your mortgage, wait in line with a bunch of faggots, then when you finally get in you just wanna get hammered but have to make your way through the stampede of people in order to get to the bar. Then you walk around for a few hours with an erection listening to shitty music.  Some people think thats fun, not I.

I've enjoyed my time with my family, playing with my nephews and nieces, hanging out with my cousins, my mom and my sister, its been a gay ol time.  I'm not really in the mood to write at the moment but I'm forcing my mind to do it anyway.  One of the things I plan on changing this year is to force myself to do certain tasks so they become automatic without thinking, regardless of how I feel "that day or moment".  Its the only way to advance.  The majority of the things we do without thinking are paying bills and going to work, everything else is up to our mood, energy level and whatever else bullshit you can think up.  We have zero discipline when it comes to US and promises we should make to OURSELVES instead of others.  For instance, we'll show up at 5am or maybe 4am to workout out with a trainer but when it comes to US we'll skip or make an excuse.  We lack the discipline to fulfill promises to ourselves and its an extremely shitty trait we carry.  This is the year, at least for me, to rid myself of this poison that has manifested my soul and prevented me from achieving the success I strive for. Imagine how much progress you can make by keeping the promises you make to yourself instead of others....You could go from fat to fit, poor to rich, illiterate to literate, black to white(sadly thats possible), man to woman, whatever the hell you want. If you simply answer to yourself, be your own boss, your own trainer, whatever.  I just cant stand another day of waking up at 6am for someone else and not for myself.  Lets set our alarms for 630am and no snoozing, ok maybe one snooze but thats it. New Year, New attitude.

Happy New Year Ya Filthy Animals
(home alone reference for those you who grew up in Africa)

Your one and only,

Yuvi

The Nightmare Before Christ-Mas

Its that time of the year again, Jesus's birthday.  Its funny how Jesus gets all the attention out of everyone, no one gives a shit about Moses or Buddha's birthday.  Those two guys and many others got the ugly end of the stick.  I guess its cus Jesus was a light skin nigga. I'm just glad we have an excuse to eat, could use more days like that.  I don't give a shit if its "worship a goat day" or "Sacrifice Saturday", as long as we get to eat I'm up for it.

In the past I would make "resolutions" just like everyone else, but just like every article you read on earth, no one can keep them. Instead I just continue on the goals I set myself before the new year and perhaps tweek and adjust them.  The new year is nice because it gives you a reason to accomplish them, "hey, new year, new begining, make some shit happen". Thats usually the attitude and its nice to have a reason to make shit happen.  Alright, enough of the wise father talk, lets move on to tits and ass...

Growing up we didn't celbrate Christmas, it was only until my parents split and my mom thought it would be a good way to bring joy into the house.  The first year, we got a tree, presents, lights, and all the christmassy shit a kid could want, felt like we were immigrants who has just come to America.  Up until then Christmas had been this off limits holiday that white people celebrated and was farfetched for us to actually consider.  So when it actually happened in December of 1997, it felt damn good, that plus cable, holy fuck, it was great, at least for me it was.  The following year was a bit rough, mom had gotten really sick and it wasn't the greatest year financially. This sounds like some ancient story about the journey going west. So mom was really sick, sick to the point where she was just sitting on the  bathroom floor completely drained as we aided her with fluids and what not.  She would switch off between dry heaving and actually throwing up. I was 8 or 9 and my sis was about 12 or 13 and we hadn't seen a parent in need at that level so it was a bit intense.  We still had the tree up because she wasn't sick at that point but afterwords I figured, well there wont be any Christmas this year and that was ok.  A few days went by and mom was still sick so there DEFINTIELY wasn't going to be a Christmas. Meanwhile our neighbhors next door were stacking up presents like firewood, they'd come over and cross off their checklist, "skateboard, check" fuckers.   On Christmas morning that year, we woke up and went to the living room  not expecting anything but mom had some things for us,  I was pretty excited.  She gave us a Looney Tunes T-Shirt and a water gun each.  Now that seems pretty funny/shitty and it is, we still joke about that till today,  my mom got mad at me a few days later and ended up breaking my water gun so I actually only got a T-shirt that year.  But yea, we joke about that Christmas all the time, she just called me two days ago and laughed about it so that makes this blog ok....Not callin my mom out for being broke and sick.  Thinking back on that gesture my mom made, by actually thinking "oh shit, its Christmas and the kids wont have anything"....Just the fact that she thought of that, was HUGE, considering we had never celebrated Christmas before that, so she wasn't culturally programmed to make it a priority or of importance but she did, and that was so great of her to do.  That year sticks with me, its impossible to forget, out of all the Christmas stories, that's literally the only one I FULLY remember.  The other years are all jumbled, not that they were insignificant, no, they were awesome but not as memorable as the Christmas of 97.

Donuts and Whores

I'm sitting, well laying on my bed writing this after having eaten 6 slices of thin crust pizza and a bottle of Modelo.  Any Modelo drinkers out there? I'm a fan of mexican beer, it just taste good.  Mexican beer is the only kind of beer that I have an immediate liking for, the others ones I either have to lie, pretend like I appreciate the bitter hoppier taste or "craftsman ship".  Mexicans win it over with me, I like the others but I love mexican.

By the way, if you haven't noticed by now, my past few blogs have had slightly unusual titles, I'm sure you can take a guess why I do this.... Well its partly for "marketing" reasons, cus I enjoy creating strategic mind fucking marking strategies plus I like to see how many word combinations I can come up with. So thats that.

People don't like whiners, unless they're non alcoholic whiners but fuck it, I've got some constructive whining to do.  Its regarding my current status as an actor/comic, so far I'm not getting as many auditions as I'd like.  This is quite normal but I'm not going to sit around and accept that, Its solution time. Some people don't mind riding it out and waiting, but I cant walk into another insurance audition where I play some faggy husband who's on the phone with NO ONE and giving fake facial reactions. And after giving my best faggy expressions, some other faggot books the spot. Its wasted talent.  Its time for CHANGE, going with the obama theme.  And by the way, he acts like he invented the act of CHANGE, what does he think all the other presidents were trying to do?  Apparently Abe Lincoln was just fuckin around freeing slaves and what not. Going back to it, some CHANGE needs to be made and it will be.  Actors are always expected to be at the lower end of things but that's doesn't sit well with me, I don't want to be overtly grateful for "BEING A PART" of something and being fortunate enough to participate as all actors are taught or told to do, FUCK THAT, I'm confident in what I have to offer and I'll respectfully take part in projects that I can offer my "services" and talent to. I say that with respect, not to wave my cock around.  I just don't agree with this slave/owner relationship.  This may not be a fresh thought, but I'm explaining my perspective on it.  We've all tomato soup but everyone makes it a little different, or at least their essence is in it. At the end of the day, creating content is the best and most fun solution.

Stand up has changed as well.  Now, stand up has become this sensitive, censored, politically correct, touchy platform that was once based on absolute raw speech.  I LOVE RAW SPEECH, its the best fucking thing to come out since baklava.  Stand up in the late 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's was awesome, stand ups were free to do their thing and deliver their take on things.  People wanted to hear raw thought, whether they be Y,G,PG, PG-13, R or X-rated, all thoughts were created equal. New views, opinions and thoughts were appreciated and people couldn't wait to leave work, hop in the car or subway and head over to the comedy club to hear them. NOW, now comics are expected to show up at coffee shops or any place with a stage, pay 5 or more dollars, wait 2 or more hours a lot of the time, and play to a crowd full of comics who don't give a shit or to a bunch of pussied out sensitive crowd members.  haha, I sound like such a scrooge, but I'm smiling as I write this because a lot of memories are coming to mind.  You cant even say rape, nigger, fat, skinny, retarded, gay, fag, short, or anything race related without some faggot getting offended, literally and figuratively. Obviously if you get up and start a hate speech, then of course people are gonna want you to get the fuck out but the point of a COMEDY club is to express thoughts you find interesting and funny.  Comics JOKE, not HATE, its simple.  Whatever we talk about has a comedic root, there's no hate, even if its sounds like it comes from a place of hate, we're there to make fun of it, not to try and  get assassinated on a nightly bases.  I'm not running for fuckin congress, there's no march after the show, no bills are gonna be passed, no POW's are gonna be released although that would be nice, at best, at best you'll have one to many, get fucked up with your buddies and get a DUI.  See its about havin a good time so stop getting your panties or thong in a twist.  Just shut the fuck up, grab your girls tits and laugh.


I usually don't like repeating whats been stated in headline news but Paul Walker, man, definitely an influence and someone I grew up watching since age 12.  He's been a part of my movie experience for the past 13 years and I along with a lot of other 12yr olds had a BLAST watching his movies.  For some reason, his death really made me sad, a lot of actors and entertainers die of various causes, accidents, OD's, suicides and what not, but hearing about Paul Walkers was exceptionally sad for me.  I was a fan but I didn't idolize him, yet I feel as if I lost someone I closely admired. I guess it comes down to me not wanting to see someone who had a good presence and quality to them, go so soon. Well I'm glad you got to be in movies I enjoyed watching and hope you enjoyed your awesome time on earth.

Cream and Sugar Please

I really enjoy expanding my mind.  I love reading self help books, motivational books, books on successful people, basically I'll read any book that can help me further expand and gain control over my mind.  You'd think god would give you the power to control your mind but he didn't.  To have absolute control over your mind and emotions is an actual practice that really takes time and commitment like working out in the gym.  This is nothing new, monks have been doing it for centuries but I'm not a monk, I'm a regular guy.  Everyone thinks that you need to be a monk or Yogi or some strange spiritual person to change your mindset but you really don't.  For me its been a mixture of Arnold Schwartzenegger, Steven Pressfield, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Robbins.  These are the people I've used in order to train my mind to think "positively" but better said, progressively.  Thinking positively makes you sound like some whimsical fool caught up in your own fantasy of what life should be, but thinking positively goes way deeper than simply "thinking" positive.  For me, thinking positive is about thinking of the future and leaving the past behind.  Doing this has helped me tremendously because it doesn't allow me to dwell, and dwelling is what eats you up.  For instance, if you spill something or drop a glass, it can effect you if you let it. You start feeling embarrassed, clumsy, childish, "grown ups don't spill or break things".  And especially when other people around you make it a big deal. You ever go to someones house and something spills or gets dropped but everyone carries on talking and laughing as though nothing happened...I like that approach, I'm not saying you should spill, break, crash into people while driving and not give a fuck, but if you do get in an accident, just focus on the solution, that's it. You've heard this a thousand times "think of the solution, not the problem", everyone loves to hear that but hardly anyone truly puts it into practice.  When you actually practice and implement it into your life, you'll handle things much differently and feel a lot better.  I'm tired of everyone thinking that this mind set is unattainable or only suited for those "over joyous", "enlightened" people, its not.  It really is a choice, one that anyone can make but may not necessarily have the insight, awareness or belief in themselves to do so.  Going with the theme, think I'll go pick up the kids from school now and be the daddy I sound like.

First Impressions

Let me start off on a positive note, I hate first impressions.  There's nothing faggier than a first impression, you either give a complete false image of yourself for which people will talk copious amounts of shit, OR, or you give a true representation of yourself for which 90% will talk copious amounts of shit. SO, breaking it down, you're better off being your strange fucked up self, than a flavorless, watered down mocktail because it ends up being the same shit.

Why, WHY must we use Ice Breakers.  I'd love to slap the faggot who coined that term and has forced us all to introduce ourselves using this retarded system.  You cant just go up to someone and say, "hey whats up?". Of course you can Yuvi. I'VE TRIED!!! People get freaked the fuck out, they look at you like you're a lion asking a zebra for directions.  Instead, you have to use some bullshit green lit phrase that's socially acceptable, like bringing up sports.  Walk up to complete stranger, "hey did you hear they traded........" yadda yadda yadda, who gives a fuck! And bingo, you should see how calm and naturally people respond, "oh I know, I can't believe it, he kept fumbling the ball so I guess they had too.....(wait, who the fuck am I talking to.......ah, who gives a shit). 

Some people think they're having such deep conversations when they're totally NOT.  Some people think deep conversations consist of talking about someone elses relationship issues and really breaking it down, "yea I mean, if thats the way he treats her I don't understand why she cant see that he's not going to change....... "I know, I thought she knew that........" Oh my GOD! Shut the fuck up!!!!  These are the moronic things I constantly hear that drive me nuts.  I hear it at Trader Joes, Costco, Ralphs, Yogurtland.  Now you know where I shop. Well, thats that for now. I'm gonna go to sleep, well I'll probably watch some youtube clips of zoo animals taking shits, THEN go to sleep. Nighty night.

Do you Juice?

Do you juice? I love kale, can I have some extra pine nuts in mine please, Bee pollen, Kongen water, Almond milk, I've been cleansing, My shit is clear, I hate splenda, I love fro-yo, Low glycemic, gluten free, cage free, organic, free range, grass fed, coconut oil, RAW, seaweed.....

 JUICING!!!!! I've been Juicing, cleansing, detoxing... What the hells this sudden urge to cleanse and detox.  Who the hell decided that this was necessary and regular eating methods just weren't cutting it? Was this person's body so toxic and polluted that they just needed instant absorption, chewing the broccoli was just too time consuming so fuck it, I'll drink it, as a matter of fact, I'll drink everything.  And then others caught on and decided, yea fuck chewing, its all about slurping. We've all gone back to an infant state. Babies and grown ups are eating the same shit, except babies get there's in fancy premade containers while we're stuck making our own. Blended TV dinners? Tired of slogging for hours in the kitchen while your baby eats in peace? Now you can tighten up the bond time with "Blender bites", share a meal with your baby. Who needs teeth anymore, we lose and grow teeth for what? Each tooth has a purpose, molars are for grinding, canines are for cutting, but now, who needs them.  Now teeth are simply an accessory, they're obsolete, as long as they're white, who gives a shit. Floss, tooth picks and mouth wash have no purpose, no one's getting anything stuck in their teeth, liquified steak and potatoes doesn't really get stuck anywhere except your colon. Pretty soon people are going to be telling their favorite chewing stories, "I remember the good old days when we would chew our food 32 times", " hahah, thats hilarious grandpa", "You kids have it easy now".

Food is fuckin weird these days, more people like Kale and Seaweed than they do Ice Cream. And when sushi hit the seen, EVERYONE LOVED IT. Who the fuck likes raw fish THAT much? When did eel gain mass appeal, did the Japanese stick probes up our asses and rewire our taste buds? Everything now days is Organic, free range, grass fed, Cage free, gluten free, low glycemic.... low glycemic? when the fuck did low glycemic become part of everyday vernacular? This is a low glycemic sweeter so we're just gonnna give it 20-30 squirts, its ok cus its low glycemic so your limbs wont fall off right away.  Pretty soon its gonna be, "Hey can I get a glass of water man"? "Sure, our water is 100% cage free organic and is served in a cup made of recycled hair".  Nevermind, think I'll get a Big Gulp. We're getting carried away with all this FREE RANGE, CAGE FREE, GRASS FED talk, its not a god damn paradise, these animals are still being killed for consumption, WHICH IS FINE, ITS OK, but don't make it sound like they get a fuckin spa treatment. Its gotten to the point where discussing your diet is a "THING", you hear fuckers at Starbucks chatting about going green, and 2 day cleanses, eating RAW, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Whats society come to? I'm rebelling against something that isn't rebellion worthy but I have to.  If I hear another person talking about Kale, I'm gonna throw their balls in a juicer and serve them on ice. I cant even talk about things I want anymore without being categorized as one of these juicing faggots. Its like I have to go to some secret meet up and whisper it, "Yo I made a kale, apple, blueberry.....oh shit you hear that, THEY FOUND US"!!