Do you Juice?

Do you juice? I love kale, can I have some extra pine nuts in mine please, Bee pollen, Kongen water, Almond milk, I've been cleansing, My shit is clear, I hate splenda, I love fro-yo, Low glycemic, gluten free, cage free, organic, free range, grass fed, coconut oil, RAW, seaweed.....

 JUICING!!!!! I've been Juicing, cleansing, detoxing... What the hells this sudden urge to cleanse and detox.  Who the hell decided that this was necessary and regular eating methods just weren't cutting it? Was this person's body so toxic and polluted that they just needed instant absorption, chewing the broccoli was just too time consuming so fuck it, I'll drink it, as a matter of fact, I'll drink everything.  And then others caught on and decided, yea fuck chewing, its all about slurping. We've all gone back to an infant state. Babies and grown ups are eating the same shit, except babies get there's in fancy premade containers while we're stuck making our own. Blended TV dinners? Tired of slogging for hours in the kitchen while your baby eats in peace? Now you can tighten up the bond time with "Blender bites", share a meal with your baby. Who needs teeth anymore, we lose and grow teeth for what? Each tooth has a purpose, molars are for grinding, canines are for cutting, but now, who needs them.  Now teeth are simply an accessory, they're obsolete, as long as they're white, who gives a shit. Floss, tooth picks and mouth wash have no purpose, no one's getting anything stuck in their teeth, liquified steak and potatoes doesn't really get stuck anywhere except your colon. Pretty soon people are going to be telling their favorite chewing stories, "I remember the good old days when we would chew our food 32 times", " hahah, thats hilarious grandpa", "You kids have it easy now".

Food is fuckin weird these days, more people like Kale and Seaweed than they do Ice Cream. And when sushi hit the seen, EVERYONE LOVED IT. Who the fuck likes raw fish THAT much? When did eel gain mass appeal, did the Japanese stick probes up our asses and rewire our taste buds? Everything now days is Organic, free range, grass fed, Cage free, gluten free, low glycemic.... low glycemic? when the fuck did low glycemic become part of everyday vernacular? This is a low glycemic sweeter so we're just gonnna give it 20-30 squirts, its ok cus its low glycemic so your limbs wont fall off right away.  Pretty soon its gonna be, "Hey can I get a glass of water man"? "Sure, our water is 100% cage free organic and is served in a cup made of recycled hair".  Nevermind, think I'll get a Big Gulp. We're getting carried away with all this FREE RANGE, CAGE FREE, GRASS FED talk, its not a god damn paradise, these animals are still being killed for consumption, WHICH IS FINE, ITS OK, but don't make it sound like they get a fuckin spa treatment. Its gotten to the point where discussing your diet is a "THING", you hear fuckers at Starbucks chatting about going green, and 2 day cleanses, eating RAW, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Whats society come to? I'm rebelling against something that isn't rebellion worthy but I have to.  If I hear another person talking about Kale, I'm gonna throw their balls in a juicer and serve them on ice. I cant even talk about things I want anymore without being categorized as one of these juicing faggots. Its like I have to go to some secret meet up and whisper it, "Yo I made a kale, apple, blueberry.....oh shit you hear that, THEY FOUND US"!!

Pussy and Guns

Pussy and Guns is a fun title, I might talk about Pussy, I might talk about guns, or I might not talk about either.  Pussy and Guns never get old, they've been around for soooo long and people get really riled up over both.  We protect the pussy with laws, thats such an odd thing, same goes for guns but thats a bit more understandable I guess, guns can kill, but so can pussy.  Not everyone deserves a pussy, some people should simply be denied one, like a credit card.  You can do a lot of damage with a pussy; give people aids and all sorts of fucked up diseases, birth defects, heart aches, loss of self esteem, make a nigga broke, fuck up a family, blue balls....it goes on.  NOW, if given to the right person, pussy can make a nigga a lot of money, bring a family together(You got yo self some good pussy right there) everyone will be raving about it, like a good meal, all sickness will be cured because that's what good pussy does, your kids will come out BEAUTIFUL, like seeing your car come out the wash after they put a few layers of turtle wax on that bitch.

Guns, guns have saved a lot of lives, and they've taken a lot as well.  In the right hands, guns are great, they can bring Independence, good meals, blankets, shoes, socks, belts, boots and more. I wouldn't have half the shit I have if it weren't for guns, I wouldn't have grown up they way I did, I might have been a ricksha driver in Delhi for all I know. Like it or not, guns have won a lot of battles that have given us a lot of good shit. For example, without guns we wouldn't have hicks, and without hicks,  we would have to do a lot of shitty things, like loose teeth, get knocked up at rodeo after parties, and fight wars. And without guns we wouldn't have shows like Duck Dynasty which are absolutely retarded but amazing. Don't you realize how great guns are now?!!! Don't you see, guns just make these peoples' lives worthwhile, because without them, they'd be absolutely lost, and they'd just start fucking up societies natural rhythm.  What would they do?  You see, now that they have their true calling, they're out of our hair, SO PLEASE, PLEASE don't take away their guns, cus the last thing we want is to be surrounded with people in camouflage gear and missing teeth, taking our temperature, giving us prescriptions, performing surgery, baby sitting our kids, giving us oral surgery, representing us in court, or sleeping with our wives.      

Start Up Companies

I'm tired of hearing about Start Up Companies, every godamn person you talk is starting one and I never know what its about, "oh well we help people connect by connecting the connection so the connectivity.........WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO? I don't even think they know, they just wanna jump into this giant pool of innovation without knowing what the fuck they have to offer.  I've got one to, its called geni-tal, what WE do is we help people connect to their genitals by connecting their hands to their lower region creating a connection. Holy shit isn't this great?! Well join us at our seminar this Wednesday evening, yea I think I'll just go do my own connecting, just me, my laptop and my right hand.

When you talk to these bastards, each one thinks he or she's the next Steve or Stephanie Jobs. Now thats not a bad thing, but when your product is scented paperclips,  just save everyone some time and stay the hell home, we don't need to dry clean our clothes, drive out to some shitty convention center, eat shitty hors d'oeuvres, and then listen to your shittier spiel. I get it, everyone's licking lolly pops and now you want one too. 




 
 

Dot dot dot

Hi I'm a blogger and I like to document all the cool shit in my life, well its cool to me.  Should I blog about cool art pieces that I don't know two shits about, "eclectic art collection" that is the most pretentious fucking phrase.  What does that mean, that you feel the need to collect various different pieces of art, heaven forbid you have too much of the same shit, then you'd just be an uneclectic classless faggot right? People love to hang shit up in their houses, condos, lofts, or flats as the english like to call them, just for the sake of covering their moldy, hole ridden walls.  Its funny that bare walls just aren't cool, you have to cover them up with shit, like you're ashamed of them.  I guess that how ugly people feel, yes that was mean but I thought we'd passed that point by now.  When will you just be able to refer to ugly people as ugly, or black people as black people without some faggot correcting you....haha, I'm enjoying this so far, I feel like a freshly liberated slave.  It feels really nice being able to say the shit thats in my head without it having to correlate to some message or meaning. It gets exhausting always having to make sense, sometimes you just wanna say something without having to explain what you mean.  In those cases, either your explanation and ability to communicate clearly is shitty, or the other person is a moron.  If we're standing face to face and I'm explaining something to the best of ability and at the end you say , wait what? Then either you're a godamn moron and I'm a fool who thinks he's articulate, or we're both morons.  After having worked a sales job for about 2 months now, I see a lot of people, fat ones, skinny ones, ugly ones, hot ones, deathly ones, some people look like walking corpses, blue ass skin, droopy faces and yellow eyes, shitty circulation.  As I stand there, the influx of hot women can be overwhelming, most days I have an 8hr erection.  Its those fucking form fitting tights, that are just hugging their buttocks with every fiber of thread. Tights are my cryptonite.  At this point women either just love them for the comfort OR, or they know that they will get every man in the vicinity hard.  I wonder if thats what they think? Some women definitely are aware of their assets and intentionally wear them to strut their shit, then there are those women who like to act oblivious to the fact that their ass is exposed and is bouncing up and down with each footstep as they casually walk around putting blueberries and mango slices in their carts giving men involuntary erections. Women think THEY get taken advantage of?? Try being a guy and having no control of your cock, you know how stressful it is trying to conceal a boner while waiting in line to buy batteries.................

well THAT was fun

well THAT was fun.  Coming back from a vacation can leave you feeling a little sad, a little nice, a little lonely, a little peaceful, a little empty, a little drained and a little hungry. These are some of the things I feel after coming back from a vacation. Before you go you're excited and ready for action, thats the beauty of beginnings, any beginning.  Whether its a movie, a vacation, a rollercoaster, a relationship, a walk, a talk, a meal, a dream, a game, a career, a song...These are all great beginnings and we dont want them to end, but like everything, all great things must come to an end.  I'm not sure why god decided to do that, so we could appreciate life more? So we could cherrish "the" moment? So we don't become lazy or greedy? Why is life all about working for something and not just being given enough to live on...The answer is obvious, to have an advantage over others, THAT is the one reason life is a rat race, so that we can have a status imbalance.  Everyone else gets fucked because a few guys want to have 30,000 square foot houses, and own islands, and have 3 rolls royces instead of 1, or 2 private jets instead of one incase the other gets a flat tire.  This is the type of shit that makes us live the rate race we live in, well that and pussy. But no need to talk about that cus its nothing new, the only differences between now and back then is that women shave them now.  I hate rats and I hate races, and there's nothing worse than combining two shitty things, they only become shittier.  Rich people take the most vacations, simply because they can, you'd do it, I'd do it. Although they go on "Vacation" it simply starts losing the effect of a Vacaction after undeserved vacations are taken.  Now I'm not saying you have to deserve a vacation, if you have the money, GO.  BUT, a vacation to a rich guy doesn't even come CLOSE to what a vacation is for a less well off fellow.  Its not about going to Santorini or Rome and staying in a 5 star, its about having someone cook you a warm meal, do your laundry and when you come to get it, its folded.  Or having someone say, "save some for Yuvi" or wait, "Yuvi's coming with us" or "I've made your bed upstairs".  THATS a vacation, the little things that get lost in your own life that are brought back to you by others.  Its not the thread count and the type of linen, its knowing that the linen has been designated to you. This isn't supposed to sound like some "save the children" speech, but sometimes certain events make you think and analyze the present moment. All in all, next time you say "damn I need a vacation", you don't always have to go to Rome or Santorini to experience it.

Holy-Days

Holidays are fun in the sun. In the snow, water, wherever. Holidays are usually a time when you have an excuse not to do anything, you sit around, scratch your big hairy nuts, drink hot chocolate and give work the finger.  But it never ends up being like that, sure you'll scratch your nuts, cant miss that, but you never just end up doing nothing, instead there's always an endless amount of shit you have to do.  I remember all my holiday get togethers.  First you have to prepare yourself mentally for the Tsunami of family that is going to come thrashing through your house, stripping you of your privacy, self esteem, and any other comfort you may have been stashing in your secret spot.  But tis the season, so you have to remind yourself that all this shit is in good fortune.  After they arrive and you accept it, you actually have to put up with it, they start asking you questions about school(even though you graduated 2 years ago), then they'll hit you with some more generic questions, do you have a girlfriend? so you answer, yes I do, and I fuck her a lot.  That's what you want to say, but you know they cant handle that response nor do you want to tell them anything truthful, I mean, these people don't want to hear the truth, they want to hear the same generic shit they asked you so that they don't have to engage in honest, meaningful conversation with you.  You see, life, and holidays in particular, are a time of endless formalities. "Hi how are you"(not that you give a fuck), Hi how's school(not that you give a fuck), Hi, hows your girlfriend(I never told you shit about a girlfriend, but not that you give a fuck), Hi, so what're you doing these days(not that you give a fuck about my well being, just want to hear my struggles), Hi, hows................By this point you just want to stick their head into cauldron of boiling tea.  At this point, you find yourself talking less, and then these vultures come back for seconds, "Hi, so quite, are you not feeling well, why don't you come join....."  Come join, come join what? Some more bullshit conversation about someone's son who just got into medical school, or someone's daughter who just got divorced, or how someone's mother in law got breast implants at age 60 and as she was walking down the stairs she tripped and fell onto a nail and one of her tits popped on impact.....well maybe not the last one, I would've gone over for that one.  Can someone pour me a scotch on the rocks? 3 ice cubes, and use filtered water please. That's the worst, when you realize your ice cube has a piece of food in the middle of it, and its just dissolving in your drink, releasing its shitty flavor as you race against time trying finish it before your scotch ends up being chicken broth. Cheers to that.  What was my point of this, well, there is no ONE point, can't I just say some shit without there having to be a defined purpose, that was a rhetorical question so it doesn't matter what your answer was. Anyways people my point was, get as hammered as you can when you're around family, the conversations will all start making sense.  In fact, roofie the entire family and just see how cool and supportive everyone gets.  The holiday spirit will just pour out of them, they'll either piss, shit or puke it out but hey, at least it'll come out.  I leave you at that my friends.  Well Happy Holidays you filthy animals, and a happy new year.

Your one and only Friend,

-Yuvi

As Odd as It Gets

From a pumpkin patch worker to a bouncer, these are some of the jobs I've had.  I've had a lot of odd jobs and not that I hunted for them, rather they just presented themselves to me.  I feel like you're destined for whatever happens to you.  My first odd job was a knife salesman, I had to go around with this cloth briefcase full of knives and hoped that people would be interested.  Now, I didn't just walk up to the door with a bag of knives and ask to come in, that would be fucking ridiculous, no no, I made appointments with these people and they ALLOWED me to come in.  I gave them my best knife pitch or what I thought to be my best and watched as their faces filled with doubt and indifference. Initially it didn't bother me but after a while of not selling anything and having to drive my mom's car around to various houses, I felt like stabbing someone.  I didn't end up stabbing anyone, I still needed the money.  Since I wasn't selling, I needed to come up with a good money making scheme, which I then did. I began going around my neighborhood and handed out my demo slips asking people to sign them, you see, for every demo I was given $14, so after racking up these slips, I was going to cash out.  Only problem was, 200 "demos" later, I hadn't sold shit and my boss knew I was lying out of my mind.

After that I worked at a pumpkin patch, again, not out of choice.  That job was in college, I needed some quick cash and they needed some quick labor.  Here I was pursuing my bachelors and working at a pumpkin patch where illiterate Mexican workers had seniority over me.  I was their bitch. I would come home smelling like goats and farm. The only fun part was watching parents discipline their kids in public, and hold back their pimp hand. Besides goats, mexicans, pissed off parents and shit pay, that job was a hit it and quit it.

Then I became a scare actor at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights.  This was the most liberating job I could've asked for, I could finally just chase people, scare the shit outta them and be applauded for it.  I was able to exercise my inner freak and it was great.  I would walk up behind people and just start screaming any senseless shit I felt like at the moment, and they couldn't judge me! I was just doing my job. Sometimes I would just stare at people as they ate their breadsticks and tried their best to ignore me.  Some people got pissed at me, usually over protective boyfriends because they wanted to get some pussy later on that night, but then I'd just fuck with them.  How dumb did they look getting in a fight with a vampire? Fuckin fools, plus they paid to get in. That was a great gig, minus the long hours.  You'd think it was all fun n scares, but it wasn't.  The scariest part believe it or not was the drive back home.  I did this job 4 nights a week, Thurs-Sunday.  I would go to class from 8 am to 3pm, then I'd drive straight to Los Angles from Irvine, I'd start work at 5pm and end at 3am.  I was fucking EXHAUSTED, I could barely keep my eyes open, I looked like a stoned asian. My friend Shawn and I worked the job together so you'd think I would have company to keep me awake, wrong.  He was so tired, he would fall asleep, leaving my asian ass to drive along barely knowing where the fuck I was.  One night I was so fucked up that on the way home, I took a wrong exit and ended up in anaheim, then I got back on track and drove back to anaheim again, I felt like I was on acid.  FINALLY, after figuring out where the fuck I was, I made it back home, it was 5am, I had class at 8am. FUCK. I was a hamster on a wheel.

Next was bouncing, yes I know I'm small, I don't weigh 300 lbs and have a ponytail but hey, they offered me the job, so fuck it, I took it.  This was a cool gig, all I did was get suited, look pretty and stare at bitche's booties.  Now I'm not a clubber, ask anyone, I hate everything about them, the people, the smell of shitty perfume, the mirrors and lights everywhere, the music, the sound of people's bullshit conversations, the sound of pleather squeaking, fuckin everything. BUT, but for once, I got to do what I enjoy most, people watch/ass stare. I could finally just stand there and stare at people without having to explain myself, it was fucking great.  Girls would come up to me and rub my velvet coat, and sometimes they'd start grinding up on me and I'd just stand there and stay in character. It felt nice being able to swat bitches away like flies and crush their self esteem a little, "yea bitch, don't think that you can just come and grind on me and I'll just follow the bread crumbs"  I was able to do all the shit I'd been wanting to try all these years without looking like a fuckin weirdo. I only did this for 4 1/2 months, but I got some good stories out of it. My last gig as a bouncer was working the Halloween party at the Play Boy Mansion.  This was more for the story than anything,  it was exactly what you could imagine, a bunch of half naked/naked bitches running around tripping and falling onto big rich cocks. I didn't see Heff's old wrinkly ass, he was probably busy contemplating fucking his 25 year old wife but wondering if his 85 year old heart could keep up. I saw more fake tits, fake ass, fake lips, fake cheeks, fake teeth, fake personalities, fuckin fake everything! than I could've imagined.  It was nice to get outta there, definitely not my scene.

My most current gig is a UPS driver helper.  That basically means that I'm the drivers bitch, I sit in the passenger seat and drop off the boxes and get paid $8.50 while he gets $34 hrly. But its not that bad, you know why...because the area we cover happens to be movie star territory, its the Hollywood Hills.  So I'm sitting here delivering packages, but not to your ordinary clientele,  the other day I pulled up to a house that looked like a life size barbie house, a swing in the front, fuckin apple trees everywhere, ornaments hanging,  and you know who was inside...Richard Simmons.  And let me tell you, he was fuckin RICHARD, didn't hold back shit, he cut to the chase, asked me my background as he eye fucked me and undressed me with his eyes.  He offered me water or soda, I said water, then he told me how much sugar cane is used in one can, 33 meters apparently. He was really nice, before I left he gave me one of his motivational wrist bands and eye fucked me again. After Richard, I met JC Chasez, one of the backstreet boys, and right after, the legendary John Carpenter, then Jimmy Kimmel.  I was delivering packages to these motherfuckers that I'd seen on TV my entire life and it was surreal.  In ways it was like one of these strange fucked up dreams you have where you say "yea, I had a dream where I was a UPS driver and I delivered a package to Richard Simmons, he eye fucked me, gave me some water and told me how much sugar was in a can of soda".  I soon realized that this UPS gig was just about as cool as it could get, if I was gonna deliver packages, it better be to entertainment icons.